Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.