Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”