I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
me when I see my crush
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Not today.. 😂
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.