I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”