Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Stonehinge
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”