My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Muppet Screams