Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.