Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
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how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”