Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.