My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge