[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.