I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?