[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.