It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
🤣🤣🤣
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark