I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
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My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry