WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The French word for sex is croissant.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.