Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”