A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.