Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.