We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I didn’t realize that was an option
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream