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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now