If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
New favorite tiktok
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Harsh but fair
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song