Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?