Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
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Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.