Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats