I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy