imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
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When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma