“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
You Might Also Like
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.