My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
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Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Me irl
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]