it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.