Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.