I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that