[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????