[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Simple enough.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now