Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
You Might Also Like
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
This one’s “Alex”.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.