Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess