I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
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I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.