Donkey I Shreked the Kids
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
May never get over this
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.