[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
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whatcha thinkin bout
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.