“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Mountain Goat : )
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.