Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.