There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
True freaking story!
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
why am I working on Labor Day
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.