Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*