Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem