The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
LOL!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday