Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.