Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby