It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
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saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
meanwhile over on facebook
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
🤣
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
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I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.