It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
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Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello