Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
When ur friends with white people
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.